I sit here and I ponder... do I only concern myself with this such as staying in my own integrity and not concern myself with all of the noise from the world outside? Do I stay quiet and remain inward? Or do I speak up and share my truth? Will sharing bring myself and others healing? Is it in the highest good for all? Or will what I have to say cause upset and trauma? These are all things I consider. Don't get me wrong, I'm always speaking my truth... the question is how loud? How far? My truth is personal. It is only mine. So, it doesn't really concern anyone else. I know this. The question is, how many others NEED to hear what I have to say? So that they can feel heard. So they can relate. The ones who need the most support right now. The one who's families or friends or workplaces have shunned them. The ones trapped in the divide. How badly do they need this? I'm here with a heavy heart to share the fact that I am fucking shocked right now about a lot of things. I know a lot of folks that I personally thought would ALWAYS be coming from a place of love, that seem to have made a shift. Somewhere along the way values have waivered. Some folks seem to be forgetting what is most important. Do you know how many requests I see on the daily on my social media, "kindly" asking folks to let themselves out if they have any feelings or ideas that aren't in line with theirs? Too fuckin many. Do you know what I do when I see these, despite the nature of the topic? I let myself out. Delete. Done. Easy. Cuz fuck that. Fuck your arrogant attitude. Wake up. You know how much name calling I am witnessing from grown ass adults? Putting people down and telling them what they are worth? Too much! It's called bullying folks, check yourselves and what you are teaching your children. I could easily walk away from these platforms and live my beautiful life, blissfully and ignorantly... but reality is, it's all still happening whether I witness it or not. My FAMILY and FRIENDS are in it. People I love. No matter how toxic it all seems, I stick around anyways. Little bits of light shine through and I can create a positive experience from it all at the end of the day. I control my reactions to my triggers. Ultimately, I am growing because of it. I am taking control. I am less and less triggered. I am grounded. I am flow. I am holding in my integrity. Mark my words, as long as we continue life with bullshit attitudes, name calling, generalizing and putting effort into hate, our collective energy will continue to be dense. Heavy. Full of trauma and grief. Lacking change for the better. For the greater good. The goal is to keep us from growing. To suppress us. That is clear. In Canada we are so blessed, yes? I hear this so much. I feel this. I can't tell you if my inner peace would be where it is now had I been in another environment. I only know my own experience as it has been... and here in Canada life can feel pretty care free. I read, I listen, I learn from peoples stories... but I only KNOW my own experience. We are not separate however, from the violence happening in other parts of the world. We are not safe from it. At the beginning of this bullshit over a year and a half ago, I was a little thrown off. Fear was present. We laid low. Information was coming from everywhere. I had a lot of questions. Things felt so unsure. I was activated - fight or flight... So I shut it out. Turned it all off. I went inward, asked myself the questions instead. I shifted from being in fear, to being able to take it all in and go "interesting"... no panic. Instead, just observing and asking myself the question "is this truth". Not truth as in 1+1=2 but in the sense of "does this feel like a truth for ME". I learned to tap into my intuition at a very young age. I knew when someone couldn't be trusted. When something was a bad choice. I learned how to trust myself. To live in trust. To know everything will turn out just as it should. To listen to my gut. I am powerful (and so are you). These feelings can be amplified if we just listen. It becomes easier and easier to tap in. I am not here to make up any stories. I am not here to educate you. I am simply here to share my perspective. I am not educated by facebook, nor am I educated by the media. We don't have cable... but I've seen the commercials they are shoving down your throats. I do not watch the news and barely read articles from the mainstream. I have not listened to one damn update from any of our "leaders" during this whole damn thing and I am doing just fine without their advice. I am aware of what is going on. I am listening to the talk on the ground. I see what folks are sharing. I can see the trends. I see where folks are focusing. I come at all of this from a place of curiosity. Right now I am seriously fucking curious. About a lot of things. You know what I am not though? Concerned about my health. Full disclosure there is a small part of me that's like "oh fuck" this is for real... we are in it right now... and I'm not talking about a pandem!c. Viruses are real, for real. Sometimes, in fact, they are fucking deadly. This isn't new information. Again this post was not made to educate anyone on anything other than my own personal story, so don't get it twisted. I am not spreading any information other than my own personal experience. Is the current state of the world being caused by a virus? Yes... or, maybe? On purpose or by accident? Who knows. Does it NEED to be happening the way it is? No. Does the Government have us exactly where they WANT us? Maybe. Reality for me is that viruses have always been a threat. For FUCKING YEARS every winter has an undertone of fear. Fear that visiting my mom during flu season might result in her struggling to breathe. Fear that her going out in public to shop or visit the Doctor might result in the same. I HATE to see my momma struggle. Goddamn I love that woman so fucking much. For YEARS, we have had to learn to navigate through life with an immune compromised family. NOT ONE precaution existed on behalf of immune compromised folks amongst the general population before this point. People couldn't even simply WASH THEIR HANDS for fuck sake. No matter how deadly a threat every single flu and virus strain has the potential of being, we just go about life. Concerned only with those that concern us. Why?? Because that is really all we can do. Because we don't have control over everything. We do our best and live our lives with consideration and compassion and love for others.... but we don't put others FIRST - this way of thinking is a mistake. Something I've had to unlearn and only successfully hold boundaries on most days. More important than considering others - putting yourself first. LISTENING TO YOUR INTUITION. 110%! If I meet someone and I get a bad feeling about them, I don't go ahead and put myself in a position where I am alone with them. Period. If I feel anxiety about going somewhere, I reconsider why I am going and ask myself about my anxiety. Where is it coming from? Am I potentially in danger? Peer pressure is evil. WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU QUESTIONING MY ABILITY TO MAKE CHOICES FOR MYSELF?????? No different now than ever.... "Why aren't you drinking? You must be pregnant." "Why don't you want any of these drugs? You must be a square." "Why don't you want to come with us? You must be scared." "Why aren't you vaxinated? You must be a conspiracy theorist, who doesn't care about anyone but yourself... *insert more name calling here*". Our whole lives we were taught that this is what peer pressure looks like - these people aren't your real friends! Unsupportive and inconsiderate of your needs or your safety. Only now are we being made to feel making our own choices for is is wrong. A bad thing. Inconsiderate. Why is this ok right now? To just accept "they said we should do it", put the word "science" out there as a backer and trump people's ability to listen to their bodies and their gut instincts and make the best choices for themselves? This is all pretty fucked up to watch... hey and also stop with the "because science" statements. Do you know the definition of science? As far as I know science is very fluid, ever changing and adapting to observations. Suddenly we have everyone walking around talking about it like it is black and white, completely lacking color or the ability to shift and change. Like there are only a handful of actually smart scientists and doctors out there, with the same ideas and observations, and everyone else with a different idea or observation is a quack who shouldn't be trusted? 2 facts are,1 - not all professionals agree on the current state of the world and 2- vaxines NEED long term studies in order to back statements on long term effects. FUCKING PERIOD. Because science. I could go OFF on examples of what y'all really sound like spouting off making statements about the educated vs. the uneducated, but I won't. The point of this isn't to put anyone down... but perhaps check yourself... What is your narrative right now, regardless of your ideas and beliefs? Not even, how are you speaking about others, but how are you thinking about them? It all counts. Your meme's aren't helping. If you are posting in response to a trigger, first ask yourself why? What is the trigger really about? Is it personal? Or are you being conditioned? Only you can choose for you. Only I can choose for me. Don't fall for the divide... this is far from over. Don't put conditions on your love or it will disappear.
With love and endless gratitude ~ Amanda
