Today I sat down with my guitar. I had some time alone... a rarity these days with the way everything is flowing. I wanted to do so many things with my time, I have multiple projects on the go and it's crunch time. My house needs some serious attention and I have a lot of reading to do. 2 phone calls and a shower later and I only had an hour and a half before I picked my daughter up... and I hadn't even had a coffee yet. SO chill. Make a coffee. Don't worry about all the things... they aren't going away and as always I will get it done in good time. Do something that fills my soul and brings me life. Sing! About a month ago or so I wrote my first song. I've played it a bit, finding my flow a little more each time. But when you're constantly interrupted in the middle of playing, like every single time, it can be hard to make progress. I had recorded this already weeks ago and actually went ahead and posted it on my youtube channel. I didn't care if it wasn't perfect, I wanted to put it out there anyway. But since then I've been wanting to get a better chance to really get into it and get some decent audio... with my total lack of equipment. Today's alone time was the perfect opportunity. I set up my camera and I hit the record button. Usually I would just start playing but I thought nah I'll say something. This is a special thing, my first original song. Man I started talking and then it was just like, nope. Restart. Forget that. Just play the song... you can type something to go along with it later. MEGA REALIZATION - I am a keyboard warrior. Not the bad, trolling for garbage to stick my nose in kind. Not the kind that wants to use my powers for evil and put others down. But someone who can sit and just type and flow and have it come across so clearly. With confidence. Someone who can move mountains with my messages. People read my stuff and they really feel it. But man, what is it about having my face out there and the words coming out of my mouth instead of flowing from my fingertips that makes it so hard? If you know me well, like really know me and you really see me, I can stand up tall and speak my truth without hesitation in your presence. I'm someone who can get her point across pretty well most days and when I am confident about what I am speaking to, I'm not one to be shy. But I am also an introvert. Someone who feels comfortable saying nothing at all. Depending on the gathering I can either be in the action, involved and have my voice heard. Or I can be a wallflower, quietly watching from the corner of the room. Maybe that is just the duality in me. The Gemini. I'm not sure. Anyway the point is I didn't say anything in my recording today. I just did my song and hit the end button. Today brought to light how much more work I have to do to be ok with being seen. REALLY seen. To be fully ok with putting myself out there. Growing never stops, I know that. But it's funny to receive these reminders that I have so much more to grow. My self portrait photography has really helped with my growth... Like, if you knew me years ago there is a good chance you wouldn't recognize me today. Not in my appearance but in my entire being. This past weekend, I stood up at this view point on top of the mountain. With people right within my view, sitting in front of a fire, chillin, just doing their thing. And I was able to do my thing without being affected by their presence. I was proud of myself. For being me without shame or embarrassment. I was there to do a thing, people or no people, I was doing it. Small victories. These people were strangers and I am likely to never see them again. I think that's what makes me ok with putting my recorded music out there on Youtube despite how I feel playing in front of people. Likely the people who happen upon my stuff likely don't know me and won't ever know me so their seeing me doesn't affect me. Their judgements don't matter. I've been working toward being ok with perfect strangers seeing me so that maybe it will make it even easier to be seen by those close to me. It is a dream to sit and play for people. Sometimes when family is over, or close friends, I can do it. I let loose and get into it. A lot of times, I am stiff and don't channel my talents to their fullest. I hold back. My voice is weak. I was at a buddies place last month (one last beautiful chill sesh before lockdown city) and I pulled out my guitar with the intention of playing this song for them. I did. I started strumming... but my confidence wasn't there. I tried to sing and I choked. I hummed it out... followed through with the rest of the chords and then put my guitar away. They didn't know how I was feeling then. It seemed like they enjoyed the soothing little melody I played and were none the wiser. Reading this they are going to laugh... Here it is dudes, my song! Anyways, yet another random spill from my soul. About putting yourself out there. About not holding back. Practice practice practice. Go for all of the things you want in life. Try. Don't be afraid to fail. Show your face. Be confident. Be you. You're the only one.
With appreciation and endless gratitude ~ Amanda
Thank you!
