Awareness isn't enough. No matter how sure or aware I am, the patterns are so engrained. I have been struggling this past few weeks with my creativity and a total lack of inspiration to share anything. I am being creative and I am making art, good art. I have a new camera for crying out loud! But I am not sharing. I am holding back. I have endless photos... not a day goes by I don't pick up my camera and play around. This new camera has opened up opportunities I have been super eager to explore for like, ever... so why am I not sharing? Maybe the excitement isn't there simply because of social media and my current struggle with my position in the big picture. What am I here for? To tell my stories... ok, cool. I believe being open and vulnerable is so important. Is that what I am doing? Fuck man I want to offer a place for others to share their stories too. I want to photograph your vulnerability and offer you a place to share your stories. I am manifesting who I want my clients to be... what I want my business as a photographer to really look like. I don't believe the perfect clients will come to me through the simple process of keeping up with social media posts that reach people based on predetermined algorithms created by someone who doesn't have my best interests at heart... but I do want to share my stories and photographs with my friends and family. I have yet to find my balance... and that's ok. There is SO much happening online these days that I want NOTHING to do with... does that mean I walk away? Or do I put in MORE to be a part of change?... is there hope for change? Can it be helped? Sometimes the reality is things need to be thrown away. Is social media one of those things? One of my favorite quotes to live by is "be the change you want to see in the world". The online world is real. It isn't going away. My kids will inevitably be a part of this world sooner than I like to think. So do I fight for it? For a healthy platform that is open for healthy discussions? That seems like such a pipe dream at this point. Sometimes I am sure I know the right thing to do and the next minute I have no clue. Mostly... I have no clue. What do any of us know anyways. There are a lot of times when I am so grateful for this free access online community. Other times I feel like there is no real community at all. People just seem mean and selfish most days. But I mean, I see it... photographers supporting each other. People spreading kindness and joy and light. Mentors and teachers seem to be readily available everywhere. But man. I don't want most of what is out there... all of these opportunities to learn someone else's style doesn't really resonate with me. The closed minded ideas I see in different groups make me stay away. I guess I just want to connect with some real people. People who are living their truth. Some likeminded photographers, artists, storytellers would be nice too. To feel supported and seen in my journey in this industry... but then I come across these people that fit that criteria for me and I find it isn't building me up at all. It's holding me back. I like their stuff, comment, try to have my name be seen in the endless list of comments and emojis and at the end of the day I get a (heart) on the comment as does every other comment in these endless lists of praise and feedback. Can you blame them for not giving me the time of day? There is just so much to try and keep up with... I get it. How do you put yourself out there to be actually be seen these days?? How do you stand out when it seems like nobody is paying attention. When a fellow artist or photographer follows me, I click through to their profile and check it out. If my work resonated with them likely the feeling would be mutual. Am I inspired by them? It takes only a second to decide... and if I am, I follow them back AND I fucking look through some of their posts and show some love. Like I SEE YOU. You're inspiring. I want to hear your story. I want to see your website and the love and energy you have given to create it all. You're not just another name in an endless list and I'm not just another number added to your followers list. But that doesn't seem reciprocal... Do they check me out? Do they give my website the energy to even be seen? Should it be reciprocal? As I work through this right now I remind myself that I set an example of what I want from others by my actions. That's what I do... I have learned so much to bring me to this point. The simple thing we are taught as kids to treat others the way we want to be treated goes so much deeper than we know and I trust that I WILL receive the same energy back that I give out. Not every time. Not right away. But it will come back around. I trust that. Anyways, when I sat down here to work this one through this was not the direction I was expecting. Funny how that works... putting words down. Sometimes what we need to work through is something else altogether from what we intended to work through. I titled this before I started typing. It was about standing in my own way when I don't feel original or unique or good enough in this world full of immense talent. In all the ways. And I still need to talk about that so I'm just gonna bounce into it. What is it about having an idea that makes you see it everywhere? Like, never before have you seen it (or recognized it at least) and then all of the sudden it is everywhere? Suddenly it is trending... everyone is doing it. Like WTF. Anyways, with my new Canon EOS R I can now do in camera multiple exposures and it is so fun to play and get creative! I have always loved the double exposure vibe. My parents wedding album has the coolest shot of the inside and the outside of the church and I have always been inspired by it. A recent shoot I was a part of came back with a double exposure in the gallery and I was so stoked and once again totally inspired! So here I am playing and growing my skills over here with my new gear and am stoked on the idea of sharing my own take on double exposures, the relationships you can creatively capture is so cool! And then boom, one of my fav photographers I follow in IG posts a double exposure. And then another photographer. And another. I find a new photographer, I follow her, first post on her page is a double exposure. Suddenly, my feed is riddled with them... they are everywhere. How fuckin lame is that, my creative idea is trending now. So that's where I sit, holding back my own art at risk of having the same idea as someone else. And not only having the same idea, but theirs is so good it makes me feel like mine isn't good enough. Here I am feeling low vibe. Down on myself and unsure of my talents.... Get a grip girl, you know this game! You've played it your whole fucking life, you've become aware of it and you've said you wouldn't play it anymore. But fuckin patterns am I right? I couldn't possibly play guitar as good as someone else or sing as good or wood burn as good, the list goes on and on for all of the things I've held myself back from and then after finally pushing past those barriers found great passion and love for these hobbies and creative outlets. Some even say I am good at them. Some advice a wise photographer shared a while back just came to me. At the time I thought it was funny because of course she would say that, she has thousands upon thousands of "followers" and it doesn't seem like she even has to even try anymore... people are throwing money at her to take their photos over facetime for crying out loud. Like of course you don't need to follow anyone... but fuck man she is giving this out as advice to photographers starting out and she's got to know what she's talking about... again about all the followers and people around the world that would die to have her photograph them, that shit doesn't come out of nowhere. Anyway she said "don't follow other photographers on social media"...... like, ok. How? How do you start out and find people, connect, build community and a network, without following other photographers? I mean, I get her point. When your brain is full of content from other artists, is your inspiration really your own? Was the idea yours? Or did you just see it somewhere and you liked it? I see that. I see it everywhere. I believe it is more than ok to be inspired by others and to take and idea and make it your own... but what I am seeing online is just duplicating the same thing over and over. Heck you can even buy someone else's presets to edit your photos with the click of a button... I'm sorry, what? Why would you want your vibe to be dropped on someone else's image like a cheap filter? or vise versa have another artists vibe to be adopted as your own? Anyway my point here isn't to insult anyone. I get it, grow your business, take the next steps. Where do you go next once you're just so good? Or if you're just starting out and don't know how to edit... but I think the point of all of this is being able to learn and grow and develop your own style. My style is what it is... did I dream it all up on my own? No, not likely. Did I copy someone else? No, I did not. Do I see a photographers image and think, I have to try that! No, not really. I am inspired by others... but I am the only me. I am unique. Anyways, I don't even know where I am at here anymore but I guess what I came here to do is to open the door and show myself. Completely original or no, this is what I am up to. This is my take on multiple exposures. For me, the relationships play such a big role on how the images turn out. If you can capture a relationship, you can capture a feeling. And a really cool vibe comes through. So here I am overcoming this obstacle, sharing my unoriginal, original art. Holding myself accountable. Truth is, I hold back. I am aware. I am trying. I am breaking patterns. I am here just doing the best I can. All the love and light and good vibes.
With appreciation and endless gratitude ~ Amanda
Thank you!
